“Narcissism meets desperation.”*

December 17
All done. We went out to a seriously fancy restaurant and had an excellent dinner with parents, children, and friends after the graduation ceremony. Now . . . What’s next? [Besides laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, arranging for the hip replacement surgery I was so hoping I wouldn’t have to have but have had to become realistic about, reading books I don’t actually HAVE to read, dealing with Christmas, planning the spring workshop series at work, . . .]

November 12
Call from Kinkos. The binding machine broke down in the middle of the night and they had to send the job out to another location, so it will not be ready until this afternoon . . . will that be OK? So I say, well, I have to turn it in December 3. So, really, Monday would be fine.

November 11
Took the master to Staples. It turns out they cannot bind a document that is 2+ inches thick. Could it be double-sided? Well, no, as a matter of fact. Bought a ream of 25% cotton paper and went to Kinkos. Who will happily use “customer stock”. And only one copy has to be on archival paper anyway. They can bind the copies for committee members et al. with a clear cover and black back instead of coil or spiral, which I would prefer, so all is well. But I could not help telling the very kindly young man behind the counter “Please do not lose those signature pages.”

November 10
Corrected all the typos and printed out corrected pages for the master copy. Called Kinkos — they only have 100% cotton paper. Called Staples, which will print copies on 25% cotton paper.

October 27
I was all set to feel like nothing had changed. In fact, it’s more like everything has changed, but by just a little, and the little is vitally important and at the same time essentially nothing.

October 25

October 22
Dropped all the front matter and the bibliography (references) off to all but one of the committee members. Will have to give it to Prof. Hausman on Monday (defense). Mary Ann gave me a run-down on the procedure: give an overview of the argument, then the other members of the committee will ask questions, and then I leave the room. Then we see. Means I have to read it again, and figure out what to say.

October 18
Met with Courtney Kerr in the Graduate School to have everything measured. Have to move down the Dedication page title, and change “Bibliography” to “References” in two places. Not too bad.

October 11
Defense scheduled for 10:30 a.m. Monday, Oct. 25.

October 4
Big push on CHAPTER V finally pays off: hours last week, worked all day 9/30, didn’t make it by 10/1, interference by life (bridge Friday night and Saturday night, regular Sunday morning commitments), more work Sunday afternoon, of course sleep — I am not 25 any more — but as it was woke up very early this morning, thinking “surely, I should be able to finish this up in a couple of hours” and by the time I looked up it was 1:00 p.m. SO wanted to get this into faculty mail boxes. Thought “If I can get out of Corydon by 1:30, I can be back in time to meet the bus.” This entailed paying retail for copying, fortunately possible, and worth it. A couple of people were even IN, so was able to place the infamous CH V in people’s hands. There is still work to do on footnotes, bib, table of contents, but it seems very done to me.

September 15
Applied for degree. Again. [“This could be the last time . . .”]

August 28
“Chapter V still needs work” (see June 10) is an understatement.
Revisions suggested by my major advisor have been made on all chapters up through Ch. V. New final versions of CH’s I-IV have gone to all committee members, in hard copy, including outside reader, as of 8/13. Dad’s hip replacement surgery (7/5) went great; he’s back home, so we are missing him. I have health insurance. (Yay. A middle-aged, obese female with a severely arthritic hip should be properly grateful. I stress the properly, and so keep my opinions about the system that makes this in equal parts necessary and difficult-to-impossible to myself. Context is everything.) I’m enrolled for the Fall Semester; the new deadline (the one from the program and the Graduate School labeled “real,” instead of the one imposed by my mind, hopes, and wishes, labeled “should be able to”) is December 2010. The Women’s Center at LPTS is sponsoring the Fifth Annual Katie Geneva Cannon Lecture and Interfaith Conference “A Woman’s Voice,” 9/12-13, which is shaping up to be wonderful. The program content needs to be at the printer’s 8/30.

June 15
2 pp. CH V. iPod technical difficulties resolved: actually telephoned someone who had an answer. My demographics are sometimes good for something.

June 14
3 pp. CH V.

June 13
Three pages for CH V. After the “two pages” .doc crashed Word on launch several times, why?? maybe date format? or control character for hard page break? resaved the whole thing as rtf, started from scratch in a new .doc. So what should have taken 30 min. took at least an hour.

June 12
Two pages to add to CH V in the “two pages” project. Wrestling with Word, footnotes style.

June 11
Meetings at the Women’s Center all morning. One additional copy to a committee member (via department) on the way home.

June 10
Physical copies of all chapters, almost all complete and in final form, to committee members for review. Chapter V still needs work.

May 2
OK, I’ve sent 3 of 5 chapters to all the members of the committee. Two of them could use one additional section apiece. The other two chapters are written, but badly and incompletely, and need revision before they can be sent to others without having to put up the shame curtains.

March 26

March 25
4 pp. ch. 6, 2 pp. ch. 1

March 24
revisions to about 1/2 ch. 1 (22 pp.)

March 23
2 pages ch. 1

March 22
2.5 pages ch. 1
will never finish at this rate, obviously

March 17-19
7 pages ch. 1

March 16
3 pages ch. 1

March 15
1 paragraph on ch. 6 (but it’s a good idea, I think . . .)

March 12-14
0 pages

March 10-11
4 pages ch. 1

March 6-9
The footnote on page 4

March 5
1 page ch. 7

March 4
1 page ch. 1

March 3
4 pages ch. 1

March 2
5 pages ch. 1

March 1
2 pages ch. 6

February 7-27
Bloody hell.

February 6
Working on ch. 6. This discourse functions to construct a subject of possibility.

February 1-5
Not clear that there is a thesis in this thesis. Reviewing ch. 6. Re-reading Tillich, Jameson on Adorno, Butler. A thesis would make revising ch. 1, 2, etc. a lot easier. Or at least a lot more sensible.

January 29-31
Swim meet in Indianapolis. Re-read ch. 5. Some notes.

January 26-28
Last 23 pages ch. 4.

January 25
3 pages ch. 4, edits to ch. 5

January 23-24
Printed out 34-67 of current ch. 4, revising.

January 20-22
15 pages on Way of Love and Sharing the World; finally, section 3 of ch. 4 “done”. Behind the schedule for being behind, but still a victory.

January 19
5 pages on I Love to You. “Hurry up please, it’s time.”

January 18
6 pages on Ethics of Sexual Difference as an extended treatment of sexual difference as a possible utopian topos. (yay!) Hopelessly behind schedule, again, as usual.

January 17
1 page.

January 16
The indecent pages more decent.

January 15
3 decent pages of ch. 4, 6 indecent pages of ch. 6.

January 14
3 paragraphs.

January 13
Rearranged all the text of ch. 4. New intro, elements of section 2 and 3. (about 6 pages).

January 12
Stared at ch. 4 in horror. Cleaned the office.

January 11
Finished ch. 3 draft. Printed out ch. 4, a little cutting and pasting.

January 10
4 paragraphs on space (“the no-man’s land between the border posts of being and nothingness,” ND 381).

January 9
Read a book. Made a new outline of key points across 3 chapters. [After driving to Jasper in the dark and the snow, going to day one of the swim meet, checking my daughter and partner in to the hotel in Jasper, eating lunch at the Schnitzelbank, driving back to Corydon, and saving the dogs from themselves.]

January 8
5 pages on closed language, nominalism/positivism and Jargon of Authenticity. Met with my advisor; timetable; email to members of the committee. Pack for swim meet in Jasper tomorrow.

January 7
More subject-object. More re-organization.

January 6
Finished the section on Adorno’s textual practice as utopic. Work on subject-object. (ouch)

January 5
2 decent pages on the conceptual requirement of utopian thinking in Adorno. Start on language. Spider’s webs all around.

January 4
6 more pages on ch. 6. Oh, and finally looked up the word “ineffable” in the dictionary. “Too overpowering to be expressed in words; unutterable; Too lofty or sacred to be uttered (like The Name); Indescribable, indefinable”. As in “das Ineffabile der Utopie.” Damit. Dammit.

January 3
OK, technically finished section 3. (just don’t like it) up to p. 21

January 2
worked on next section, not finished

January 1
Section 2 of ch. 3, 8 pages.

December 31
One section of ch. 3 down, about 2 pages.

December 30
Merged revised outline and initial ch. 3 text, moved things around, wrote a new introductory paragraph, realized I had no text for section on language, finished reading Jargon of Authenticity

December 29
Finished up making notes for ch. 3. Still don’t understand the subject-object problem.

December 28
Marginal notes for ch. 3, in bleak disillusionment.

December 27
No writing. Read part of Jargon of Authenticity in the car on the way back to Indiana.

December 26
Began reading through ch. 3, making notes for revision.

December 25
No writing.

December 24
No writing. Did read through the introduction to Louis Marin’s Utopics: Spatial Play.

December 23
Finished major revisions to ch. 2, emailed text to my principal advisor. Printed out ch. 3, packed up books and text for trip to Dayton. Here we are, Merry Christmas!

December 22
A few of the needed modifications to ch. 2. Plus an e-mail to my longsuffering advisor. [in addition to chauffering to swim practice, getting a set of new tires for the other car (the one we’re driving . . .), finishing shopping, dealing with the missing swimsuit emergency, finding the missing Nintendo game, doing tough love around learning from our mistakes, making falafel, and a set of “I just wanted something kind of cool” gift tags, and composing a last-minute essential Christmas card. Not like I’m defensive about my rate of progress or anything.]

December 21
More notes for ch. 2. Aaargh. Christmas swim practice, Dollar Tree, WalMart, JayC, bank, postoffice, wrapping, dishes. I hate Christmas.

December 20

December 19
More revisions ch. 2.

December 18
Filled in the remaining sections of ch. 2, moved text around in the last several pages, did everything from notes from swim practice yesterday, printed everything out, read it (omg, boring, even to me), made notes for deletions, expansions, contractions, etc. [new furniture delivered, took the old sofa to community services, took Zoe to a dance . . . and had to drive in the dark past woods lovely dark and deep on this the darkest evening of the year to do it . . . there are more stresses in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies, Bud.]

December 17
Rest of the material in this section of ch. 2, reviewed, made notes for restructuring during swim practice.

December 16
5 pp. on ch. 2.

December 15
another page on ch. 2. Hating ch. 2.

December 14
1 page on ch. 2

December 11, 12, 13
Let’s see . . . Lessons and Carols, Women’s Center Fall Arts and Crafts Sale, at the Seminary, so Friday a.m. with my dad there, did my nails, hospital Christmas party until 2:00 a.m., swim meet with warm ups at 11:30 in Louisville, make dessert to share at choir concert tomorrow, little rotten dog medical emergency for which we drove to Oko-f***-lona at 9:00 p.m. to the emergency veterinary medical hospital to find out that the dog was CONSTIPATED and having GAS PAINS (I could not make this up), Sunday School and “Guess who’s reading scripture this morning?” (my daughter — 1st time — we were completely unprepared, go figure, and dressed in swim meet t-shirt — she did GREAT!!), meet Dad at home for lunch/make lunch/also marzipan balls to add to the dessert plate in an impersonation of my mother, Zoe’s Christmas choir concert (marvelous), go home for 30 minutes and squeeze in a load of laundry, my Christmas choir concert followed by dessert & chatting, dinner out with family, and then at last a normal bed time. So, no writing. But it just seemed wrong to write “nothing.”

December 10
Worked on next section of ch. 2, not finished, about 3 pp.

December 9
Another section of ch. 2, 4 pp.

December 8
Tidied up the section I wrote yesterday, started on next page of ch. 2, 3-4 pages altogether.

December 7
Wrote another section of ch. 2.

December 6
Read an indeterminate number of pages of Jacoby in the car on the way to the mall.

December 5
Stared at the computer for at least an hour, printed out the next section, and looked at Archaeologies of the Future.

December 4
5 decent pages on chapter 2. Started on the next section. Read more Jacoby.

December 3
New outline for ch. 2, and about 1 paragraph. Read another summary of the impact of the Kantian paradigm on western philosophy. Wished I knew things.

December 2, 2009
Next to nothing. Although I did have an insight: the fundamental problem of “not knowing what we’re missing” as related to the problem of the representation of utopia. Not that this is exactly new, but sometimes I have to be reminded of what I care about.

December 1, 2009
More revisions to ch. 2.

November 30, 2009
Wrote 5 pages for ch. 6/conclusion and sent to chair of my committee. Moved sections around in ch. 2, printed it out, more revisions during swim practice. Picked up Utopics from interlibrary loan.

November 29, 2009
No writing. Read a chapter in Dana Crowley Jack, Silencing the Self: Women and Depression, that gives some more concrete insight into Irigaray’s psychoanalytic project with respect to language.

November 28, 2009

November 27, 2009

November 26, 2009
Read a couple more pages of Jacoby. Made notes for revision on ch. 2 manuscript.

November 25, 2009
Read about 2 pages of Jacoby. Printed out ch. 3 and brought it along to Thanksgiving with the Relatives.

November 24, 2009
Made revisions to ch. 2, “Utopia as Impossible Discourse,” a summary of obstacles to the pursuit of utopian discourse from last half of 20th century on. Reorganized the points. Added 5 pp. text.

* “Narcissism meets desperation” fits the earlier entries best. I originally started this log to create something like accountability for pages production . . . my progress was so slow, I really needed to get pages written, and it was still too easy not to accomplish that. At some point, the situation stopped being quite as desperate — especially once I realized there was no hope of graduating in summer. Then, it got to the point, like in a Sudoku puzzle, where I knew it was going to get finished and it was just a matter of getting the last boxes filled in . . . but the “narcissism” still seems appropriate, and since I don’t know where to put this headline in this stream of consciousness, I left it at the beginning, but with this explanatory note.


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